A New Beginning

Continued from post- My story- reaching the bottom.

To continue my story:
My loving, accepting, skinny roommate found an ad in the college newspaper the next day advertising a group called OA, Overeaters Anonymous. We went that very week. I was very nervous but excited to learn about anything that would help me. As I walked into that gathering I was shocked to find a group of about 15 people ranging from very skinny to very overweight. As the meeting progressed 3 people told their stories. I was very relieved to find that other people were suffering just like I was. I heard the words anorexia, bulimia and binge eating for the first time.

The start of my healing was to share with my roommate. The second was to hear these stories. I realized finally that I was not alone, and that I was not the only person thinking that I was going crazy!

The other things that I remember about that night were coming home with materials to read, a food plan, and new friends. I embarked on the program with boundless energy. I wanted to be healed. I attended weekly meetings and met with a mentor. I seemed to progress for awhile with my new found information and support group. I began to share more openly about what I now called my eating disorder.

I eventually shared all of this with my Mom who lived 3 hours away. She had me go to a medical doctor. This was 1975 and eating disorders were not as understood by the medical community. He listened to my story and then gave me blood tests that showed that I was slightly hypoglycemic. He had no other help for me other than telling me to eat protein between meals to keep my blood sugar stable. This visit began my journey that continues to today to understand how food relates to our health.

It was very significant that during this time period I was able to start verbalizing what had been going on inside of me. Up to this point the struggle had been going on inside of me with only me to interpret what it all meant. I had been beating myself up with what I call the "club of condemnation" for far too long. Every time I had even slightly blown my self imposed diet & exercise regiment I told myself that I was so horrible. Nobody could be as bad as I was. I could not even control what I put in my mouth. I was so sure that I was the worst person ever. It was healing to talk to others who understood what was going on and who were struggling with the same thing. It was during this time that I realized that someday when I was better I wanted to help other people with the same problem.

For several months I followed the OA program. I went to the meetings, shared the struggle with others and tried to diligently follow an eating plan. I did pretty well for a time. I would sometimes blow it a little, talk about it with someone and then recover and go on. I wanted so badly to just have the whole thing over with and have my old skinnier body back.In a way I was putting my perfectionist standards on myself again, by trying to follow the OA program perfectly.

Well I got better for a while and then I got progressively worse. One day I blew it so bad that I got on my bicycle and rode a few miles across town in the rain to talk to my OA mentor. I was so upset with myself and feeling so hopeless again. The conversation that we had after I poured my heart out changed my life forever! This story is in my next blog called "Changed from the Inside Out."