NEVER SAY DIET
continued from Post- A Defining Moment
I now had an inside realization that God loved me and accepted me no matter what. But I still had a very long journey to go on about accepting myself. I had made the decision to force myself to eat what ever I ate in front of other people. The next thing that happened is that I became sick of living my life thinking about food at all. I became more upset about the compulsion than I did about the extra weight that I still had on my body. So I prayed a prayer from my heart. I asked God to take away the compulsion. I wanted to wake up in the morning more excited about living than food. I wanted to wake up with a zest for life. I think it was around this time that I started letting go of any hope of getting back to my high school weight. I decided that I cared more about living a full life free from food addiction than I cared about looking perfect.
I prayed that prayer because every time I focused on losing the weight by dieting, all i could think about was food. If I started a diet, I was focused on food, so I thought about it more and wanted to eat everything in sight plus the kitchen sink. So a new idea came to my head. I would not try to lose weight or limit what I ate. Instead I began to focus on the positive. By this time I had taken classes in nutrition in college. Being very interested for obvious reasons, I read anything that came in my path. I wanted to understand my body better. So I knew that fruits and vegetables were a priority for my body. I started thinking about how great my body felt when I ate these things. I tried to include them every day. I also thought a lot about how physically bad I felt when I ate processed foods with white flour and sugar. I also focused on how great I felt when I exercised. (Exercise was fun and easy at this point because I was a Physical Education Major, so I had to take PE classes. It did become more of a challenge later when I was out of school.)
I didn't know it at the time, but I was starting to live a biblical principle. Philippians 4:8,9 says "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-THINK about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with you." Proverbs 23;7 says "For as he thinks within himself, so he is.
As I focused on what I should do or eat instead of on what I should not do or eat, the compulsion lost more of it's hold on me. In fact, more than focusing on what I should do, I thought about how much I liked these things. I knew that I could NEVER SAY DIET again.
My body began to release some of the weight that I had gained. I settled in about 5 pounds above my high school weight. I was physically active. My life was very full with friends, learning, and best of all my relationship with God.
A victory for me during this time would be to make homemade cookies and not eat them all. I felt accomplished to eat just a few and leave the rest.
God answered the cry of my heart when I was so desperate and out of control. I had thought at first that if I was really a Christian, that He would answer my prayer by making me perfect. I thought that I would instantly eat perfectly and lose my weight. Instead God had a much bigger plan. He wanted my heart and a relationship with me. He allowed me to get to the end of myself so I would finally really look up. This has been a continuous journey that I am still traveling on.
As I have been on this journey for the last 30 years I have learned so much. I am still continuing to learn. In my next blog I will begin to share my perspective looking back on the eating disorder.I will also share what I have learned so far that has helped free me for the bondage of food, dieting and extra weight! The next blog is called Perspective!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Defining Moment!
A DEFINING MOMENT!
continued from post- Changed from the Inside Out
My life was now characterized by fresh hope and joy in my relationship with God. I was constantly learning something new. It was a time of wonder. However, I still had my compulsion to overeat and bad habits that I had developed over a lifetime.
One of these was sneak eating. I ate undercover because I was so self-conscious. I thought that people were looking at me and saying, "Why is she eating?" "She doesn't need that." "She is so fat." I was enslaved by what I thought people were thinking about me.
As I began to process the truth of the Bible I will never forget the day that the truth of God's love for me went from my head to my heart. I had been hearing about it. I repeated it to other people. I thought I believed it, but I had never really applied it to me.
I can remember exactly where I stood all by myself in my apartment when I realized that God loved me no matter what. That meant that he loved me if I was 300 pounds over weight. He loved me if I ate compulsively. NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR DID NOT DO, HE LOVED ME WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE. I can still feel what this felt like. I gloried in that moment.
This epiphany was the first step to begin to free me from my self-consciousness.
I made a decision from then on to eat whatever I ate in front of people. I chose to care more about what God thought of me than what people thought of me. (I have since learned that people are pretty busy thinking about themselves and are not always thinking about me!)
My self-consciousness was not gone, but it began to be replaced with God-consciousness. My habit of sneak eating was so strong that I had to make a conscious decision each meal to relax and stop worrying what people were thinking about me. I reminded myself of God's love for me.
I believe that when the truth of God's love came through to me, I made the biggest change in relationship to food. The compulsiveness began to lose its hold on me. It was during this time that I made one of my most important realizations about food and diet that has affected the rest of my life. Read about it in my next post- Never Say Diet!
Thank you Lord God for what you have done and continue to do in my life!
continued from post- Changed from the Inside Out
My life was now characterized by fresh hope and joy in my relationship with God. I was constantly learning something new. It was a time of wonder. However, I still had my compulsion to overeat and bad habits that I had developed over a lifetime.
One of these was sneak eating. I ate undercover because I was so self-conscious. I thought that people were looking at me and saying, "Why is she eating?" "She doesn't need that." "She is so fat." I was enslaved by what I thought people were thinking about me.
As I began to process the truth of the Bible I will never forget the day that the truth of God's love for me went from my head to my heart. I had been hearing about it. I repeated it to other people. I thought I believed it, but I had never really applied it to me.
I can remember exactly where I stood all by myself in my apartment when I realized that God loved me no matter what. That meant that he loved me if I was 300 pounds over weight. He loved me if I ate compulsively. NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR DID NOT DO, HE LOVED ME WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE. I can still feel what this felt like. I gloried in that moment.
This epiphany was the first step to begin to free me from my self-consciousness.
I made a decision from then on to eat whatever I ate in front of people. I chose to care more about what God thought of me than what people thought of me. (I have since learned that people are pretty busy thinking about themselves and are not always thinking about me!)
My self-consciousness was not gone, but it began to be replaced with God-consciousness. My habit of sneak eating was so strong that I had to make a conscious decision each meal to relax and stop worrying what people were thinking about me. I reminded myself of God's love for me.
I believe that when the truth of God's love came through to me, I made the biggest change in relationship to food. The compulsiveness began to lose its hold on me. It was during this time that I made one of my most important realizations about food and diet that has affected the rest of my life. Read about it in my next post- Never Say Diet!
Thank you Lord God for what you have done and continue to do in my life!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Changed From the Inside Out
Continued from post- A New Beginning (To get the whole story you must start from the first post labeled Goodbye to Diet's forever!)
As I poured out my heart to my mentor that evening, she just listened. At the end of my outpouring, she said one small quiet sentence. "You need God." At that moment something burst in my heart and I knew that what she said was completely true. I was so sure of it, that I remember saying, "I will do anything, go anywhere and read whatever I need to to understand more about God and his place in my life."
Previous to this moment I had some understanding about God. I had been brought up going to Sunday School. (I couldn't play outside on Sundays unless I went. My parents dropped us off but did not go themselves at that time.) As a 7 year old I remember very clearly hearing that I was a sinner and needed to be saved from my sins in order to go to heaven. I had no problem believing that I was a sinner. I was clearly aware of my imperfections and sins. My Sunday school teacher said that Jesus died on the cross for me, taking the punishment that I deserved so that I could have a relationship with Him and go to heaven. She said that all I needed to do was to receive that gift of salvation by asking Jesus to come into my heart. I clearly understood this and made the decision to ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I continued to go to church as a child all the way through High School. I went to summer church camps. I loved hearing about God. All this gave me a lot of peace except one little thing. Somehow I got the idea that if I were a Christ Follower (Christian) I would be perfect. Well, I certainly knew that I was not perfect!. So every time I heard a message about the need to receive Christ as my Savior, I felt this need to ask Him to come into my heart again. I guess I felt that since I was not perfect, I wasn't sincere enough when I asked Jesus to come into my heart the first time. I also struggled with hearing that I should read my Bible and pray. Well I tried to do that but I didn't understand the Bible and I fell asleep during my prayers!
Looking back I realized that I felt alone in my faith. Neither my family or friends hardly ever wanted to talk about these things. I did not have someone to encourage me. Though I went to church, I went alone and did not know anyone. I walked in and out all by myself.
By the time I got to college I still believed and held onto the fact that God was in my life. As I struggled through the eating disorder I prayed and cried out to God for help. The help that I thought he would give me was to make me perfect. I thought that I would wake up and have complete control over my eating. This did not happen so I got a little confused.
It just so happened that the OA group that I was attending was headed up by some Christian girls. I knew that I was a Christian too, but I sensed something different about these girls. One of the girls named Danna was my OA mentor. I knew that she struggled with an eating disorder too, but still I knew that she had something that I didn't have.
This brings me to the moment when my mentor Danna said to me, "You Need God." When I told her that I would do anything, go anywhere and read anything to understand more about God, she told me about a christian retreat that she was going to that weekend. It was held at a place called Mt. Hermon. I knew that I had to go.
The speaker that weekend was a man named Josh McDowell. He was not only a very compelling speaker but he talked about the very things that I needed to hear.
Here are a few of the basic things I came to understand that weekend:
1.God's Word the Bible is truer than our feelings. If God said that we are saved when we ask him to come into our lives, then it is true on the basis of His Word because He never lies. I did not need to keep asking Him over and over again. (1 John 5:11 say, "This is the testimony, God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life and he who does not have the Son does not have life.)
2. Most importantly, when we ask Jesus to come into our lives, this starts a relationship with Him. He does not demand perfection from me, in fact He accepts me just the way I am. (The Bible says in Romans 5:8 that "God demonstrates His love towards us that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.") He didn't wait until I got my life all together before He reached out in love toward me. But, He does love me too much to leave me the way I am. As I give Him permission, He changes me.
3. I learned we should read the Bible, not because it will make us better in God's sight, but because it is His Love Letter to us. He wants to have a relationship with us. He speaks to us through His Word. (Psalm 119:105 says, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet a light to my path.")
4. We should go to church, not because it is the right thing to do, but because God has created us to need fellowship with one another. We need to walk with other people. God has given gifts to each of us that will encourage each other to grow in our relationship with Him.
5. God has given us rules and guidelines to live by. These are for our good. Like a loving parent God wants only good for our lives. When He gives a commandment it is not to make our life miserable but to set us free to be all that we can be.
Thinking back to this time now 34 years ago, I can still feel how exuberant I felt upon learning all this information. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a God-shaped vacuum in my heart that I had been trying to fill up with food. No matter how much I ate I could not fill the empty places. Even when I thought I was in control and eating perfectly, my life was empty. Only God could fill that hole. I had asked Jesus to come into my life as a little girl, but now I was asking Him to take the steering wheel of my life. I gave Him control to do as He liked with me. I embarked on a lifelong journey with God.
I could not wait to go to church. I threw myself into hearing God's Word whenever I could. I read my Bible with new eyes. I joined other college kids at Campus Crusade for Christ. I met with a discussion group. I listened to tapes. I talked about what I was learning all the time to whomever would let me talk about it. I am sure that I was a little bit obnoxious!
I came to a very important defining moment during these months regarding my relationship to God and relationship to food. It is so important that I will give it a blog all to itself.
The next post is labeled A DEFINING MOMENT.
As I poured out my heart to my mentor that evening, she just listened. At the end of my outpouring, she said one small quiet sentence. "You need God." At that moment something burst in my heart and I knew that what she said was completely true. I was so sure of it, that I remember saying, "I will do anything, go anywhere and read whatever I need to to understand more about God and his place in my life."
Previous to this moment I had some understanding about God. I had been brought up going to Sunday School. (I couldn't play outside on Sundays unless I went. My parents dropped us off but did not go themselves at that time.) As a 7 year old I remember very clearly hearing that I was a sinner and needed to be saved from my sins in order to go to heaven. I had no problem believing that I was a sinner. I was clearly aware of my imperfections and sins. My Sunday school teacher said that Jesus died on the cross for me, taking the punishment that I deserved so that I could have a relationship with Him and go to heaven. She said that all I needed to do was to receive that gift of salvation by asking Jesus to come into my heart. I clearly understood this and made the decision to ask Jesus to come into my heart.
I continued to go to church as a child all the way through High School. I went to summer church camps. I loved hearing about God. All this gave me a lot of peace except one little thing. Somehow I got the idea that if I were a Christ Follower (Christian) I would be perfect. Well, I certainly knew that I was not perfect!. So every time I heard a message about the need to receive Christ as my Savior, I felt this need to ask Him to come into my heart again. I guess I felt that since I was not perfect, I wasn't sincere enough when I asked Jesus to come into my heart the first time. I also struggled with hearing that I should read my Bible and pray. Well I tried to do that but I didn't understand the Bible and I fell asleep during my prayers!
Looking back I realized that I felt alone in my faith. Neither my family or friends hardly ever wanted to talk about these things. I did not have someone to encourage me. Though I went to church, I went alone and did not know anyone. I walked in and out all by myself.
By the time I got to college I still believed and held onto the fact that God was in my life. As I struggled through the eating disorder I prayed and cried out to God for help. The help that I thought he would give me was to make me perfect. I thought that I would wake up and have complete control over my eating. This did not happen so I got a little confused.
It just so happened that the OA group that I was attending was headed up by some Christian girls. I knew that I was a Christian too, but I sensed something different about these girls. One of the girls named Danna was my OA mentor. I knew that she struggled with an eating disorder too, but still I knew that she had something that I didn't have.
This brings me to the moment when my mentor Danna said to me, "You Need God." When I told her that I would do anything, go anywhere and read anything to understand more about God, she told me about a christian retreat that she was going to that weekend. It was held at a place called Mt. Hermon. I knew that I had to go.
The speaker that weekend was a man named Josh McDowell. He was not only a very compelling speaker but he talked about the very things that I needed to hear.
Here are a few of the basic things I came to understand that weekend:
1.God's Word the Bible is truer than our feelings. If God said that we are saved when we ask him to come into our lives, then it is true on the basis of His Word because He never lies. I did not need to keep asking Him over and over again. (1 John 5:11 say, "This is the testimony, God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life and he who does not have the Son does not have life.)
2. Most importantly, when we ask Jesus to come into our lives, this starts a relationship with Him. He does not demand perfection from me, in fact He accepts me just the way I am. (The Bible says in Romans 5:8 that "God demonstrates His love towards us that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.") He didn't wait until I got my life all together before He reached out in love toward me. But, He does love me too much to leave me the way I am. As I give Him permission, He changes me.
3. I learned we should read the Bible, not because it will make us better in God's sight, but because it is His Love Letter to us. He wants to have a relationship with us. He speaks to us through His Word. (Psalm 119:105 says, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet a light to my path.")
4. We should go to church, not because it is the right thing to do, but because God has created us to need fellowship with one another. We need to walk with other people. God has given gifts to each of us that will encourage each other to grow in our relationship with Him.
5. God has given us rules and guidelines to live by. These are for our good. Like a loving parent God wants only good for our lives. When He gives a commandment it is not to make our life miserable but to set us free to be all that we can be.
Thinking back to this time now 34 years ago, I can still feel how exuberant I felt upon learning all this information. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a God-shaped vacuum in my heart that I had been trying to fill up with food. No matter how much I ate I could not fill the empty places. Even when I thought I was in control and eating perfectly, my life was empty. Only God could fill that hole. I had asked Jesus to come into my life as a little girl, but now I was asking Him to take the steering wheel of my life. I gave Him control to do as He liked with me. I embarked on a lifelong journey with God.
I could not wait to go to church. I threw myself into hearing God's Word whenever I could. I read my Bible with new eyes. I joined other college kids at Campus Crusade for Christ. I met with a discussion group. I listened to tapes. I talked about what I was learning all the time to whomever would let me talk about it. I am sure that I was a little bit obnoxious!
I came to a very important defining moment during these months regarding my relationship to God and relationship to food. It is so important that I will give it a blog all to itself.
The next post is labeled A DEFINING MOMENT.
A New Beginning
Continued from post- My story- reaching the bottom.
To continue my story:
My loving, accepting, skinny roommate found an ad in the college newspaper the next day advertising a group called OA, Overeaters Anonymous. We went that very week. I was very nervous but excited to learn about anything that would help me. As I walked into that gathering I was shocked to find a group of about 15 people ranging from very skinny to very overweight. As the meeting progressed 3 people told their stories. I was very relieved to find that other people were suffering just like I was. I heard the words anorexia, bulimia and binge eating for the first time.
The start of my healing was to share with my roommate. The second was to hear these stories. I realized finally that I was not alone, and that I was not the only person thinking that I was going crazy!
The other things that I remember about that night were coming home with materials to read, a food plan, and new friends. I embarked on the program with boundless energy. I wanted to be healed. I attended weekly meetings and met with a mentor. I seemed to progress for awhile with my new found information and support group. I began to share more openly about what I now called my eating disorder.
I eventually shared all of this with my Mom who lived 3 hours away. She had me go to a medical doctor. This was 1975 and eating disorders were not as understood by the medical community. He listened to my story and then gave me blood tests that showed that I was slightly hypoglycemic. He had no other help for me other than telling me to eat protein between meals to keep my blood sugar stable. This visit began my journey that continues to today to understand how food relates to our health.
It was very significant that during this time period I was able to start verbalizing what had been going on inside of me. Up to this point the struggle had been going on inside of me with only me to interpret what it all meant. I had been beating myself up with what I call the "club of condemnation" for far too long. Every time I had even slightly blown my self imposed diet & exercise regiment I told myself that I was so horrible. Nobody could be as bad as I was. I could not even control what I put in my mouth. I was so sure that I was the worst person ever. It was healing to talk to others who understood what was going on and who were struggling with the same thing. It was during this time that I realized that someday when I was better I wanted to help other people with the same problem.
For several months I followed the OA program. I went to the meetings, shared the struggle with others and tried to diligently follow an eating plan. I did pretty well for a time. I would sometimes blow it a little, talk about it with someone and then recover and go on. I wanted so badly to just have the whole thing over with and have my old skinnier body back.In a way I was putting my perfectionist standards on myself again, by trying to follow the OA program perfectly.
Well I got better for a while and then I got progressively worse. One day I blew it so bad that I got on my bicycle and rode a few miles across town in the rain to talk to my OA mentor. I was so upset with myself and feeling so hopeless again. The conversation that we had after I poured my heart out changed my life forever! This story is in my next blog called "Changed from the Inside Out."
To continue my story:
My loving, accepting, skinny roommate found an ad in the college newspaper the next day advertising a group called OA, Overeaters Anonymous. We went that very week. I was very nervous but excited to learn about anything that would help me. As I walked into that gathering I was shocked to find a group of about 15 people ranging from very skinny to very overweight. As the meeting progressed 3 people told their stories. I was very relieved to find that other people were suffering just like I was. I heard the words anorexia, bulimia and binge eating for the first time.
The start of my healing was to share with my roommate. The second was to hear these stories. I realized finally that I was not alone, and that I was not the only person thinking that I was going crazy!
The other things that I remember about that night were coming home with materials to read, a food plan, and new friends. I embarked on the program with boundless energy. I wanted to be healed. I attended weekly meetings and met with a mentor. I seemed to progress for awhile with my new found information and support group. I began to share more openly about what I now called my eating disorder.
I eventually shared all of this with my Mom who lived 3 hours away. She had me go to a medical doctor. This was 1975 and eating disorders were not as understood by the medical community. He listened to my story and then gave me blood tests that showed that I was slightly hypoglycemic. He had no other help for me other than telling me to eat protein between meals to keep my blood sugar stable. This visit began my journey that continues to today to understand how food relates to our health.
It was very significant that during this time period I was able to start verbalizing what had been going on inside of me. Up to this point the struggle had been going on inside of me with only me to interpret what it all meant. I had been beating myself up with what I call the "club of condemnation" for far too long. Every time I had even slightly blown my self imposed diet & exercise regiment I told myself that I was so horrible. Nobody could be as bad as I was. I could not even control what I put in my mouth. I was so sure that I was the worst person ever. It was healing to talk to others who understood what was going on and who were struggling with the same thing. It was during this time that I realized that someday when I was better I wanted to help other people with the same problem.
For several months I followed the OA program. I went to the meetings, shared the struggle with others and tried to diligently follow an eating plan. I did pretty well for a time. I would sometimes blow it a little, talk about it with someone and then recover and go on. I wanted so badly to just have the whole thing over with and have my old skinnier body back.In a way I was putting my perfectionist standards on myself again, by trying to follow the OA program perfectly.
Well I got better for a while and then I got progressively worse. One day I blew it so bad that I got on my bicycle and rode a few miles across town in the rain to talk to my OA mentor. I was so upset with myself and feeling so hopeless again. The conversation that we had after I poured my heart out changed my life forever! This story is in my next blog called "Changed from the Inside Out."
Friday, January 16, 2009
My Story- Reaching the Bottom
continued from post- My Story, The beginning
It was a devastating feeling for me to achieve what I really felt was missing in my life and yet feel so empty. This came after I very excitedly had written in my diary that I felt like I had arrived at self-discipline. I finally felt in control of my life and body. I had lost the 10 pounds that would make me "perfect". I was much better at gymnastics. It was such a brief moment of seeming victory.
What happened next was the complete opposite. When I went off my strict diet even one little bit, I felt so bad. I would reach for the club of condemnation and hit myself with it. I felt so bad that I would eat more. As I ate more, I felt even worse and tried harder to fill my emptiness. All the while I would tell myself, it was okay, I would start tomorrow by being perfect in my eating again. The yo-yo went back and forth. Eat perfectly, be confronted with food that I wanted to eat, but felt like I shouldn't, eat a little bit of it, feel so bad, then eat more. Binge eating.
Somehow during these few month before summer break, I was able to keep up the weight loss.
Then came the most lonely time of my life. I had been so busy with people and activities in my senior year that I was burned out a little. So in my freshmen dorm life I did not make connections at the beginning of the year along with everyone else. I had a friend from home that was at school with me, her roommate and my own roommate (who was very busy with her boyfriend.) That was enough for me at the beginning, but when I hit this lonely time I did not share it with the few people who were real friends, and I was not connected with all the girls in my dorm. So it was lonely because I did not put the time in to make deep friendships, and I did not share what I was going through with anyone. I just felt bad inside.
I went back home for the summer to work and hopefully work out in gymnastics. Well my chances to work out were rare, my high school friends either were busy with boyfriends or had moved away. I took a job at a pie shop called Marie Callenders. Up till this point in my life, I did not even like pie. I hated it! Well on the last day of my freshman year as I passed through the food line at the dorm, all of a sudden pie looked good to me. So now here I was with a disordered eating problem, lonely, and working all day long by pies and other good looking food. Not a good combinaation. My binge eating was in full swing as I would have one taste of pie, which turned into one piece which turned into eating the whole pie! My poor body. I of course felt so bad about this I would try to make up for it by not eating or fasting. One time after eating an enormous amount of food, I ran 5 miles on a severely full stomach. That summer I regained the 10 pounds that I had lost and gained 10 more.
I still had some hope when I returned to college. I somehow felt that eating in the dorm cafeteria was the answer to my problems. I could eat my 1000 calorie diet and start working out again. Well to go back working out 20 pounds heavier brought me to my all time discouragement. I was so discouraged and felt that something was really wrong with me. I felt that I was the worst person in the world. I had no self-discipline. I could not control my eating. I was like an addicted person on drugs or alcohol. It was no different. After eating a huge amount of food, I would swear to myself that in the morning I would start again and eat perfectly. Of course I never ate "perfectly" again.
This culminated in depression. I became hopeless that I could ever change my life. I knew that it was not in my power. This led to thoughts of taking my life, because what I was experiencing was not a life worth living. I did not have ideas of how to take my life, but in my desperation I cried out to God for help. I remember exactly where I was when I prayed that prayer. I was up in the 10th floor stairwell at the top of Whitney Hall at Chico State University. I don't remember why I did this, but when I came down I found my roommate and another girl in the dorm together. For some reason, I decided to share with them what was going on with me. For the very first time I shared what I thought was my inner ugliness. They were both skinny by my standards, so somehow I did not expect them to understand. In fact, I think that I expected them to confirm what I felt. Instead they listened with compassion and my skinny roommate who could eat anything and not gain weight even if she wanted, said to me," We are going to find help." She didn't say, I will find you help, I understood her to say that together we were going to find help. I was no longer alone. This was the very first baby step in my eventual healing. My next post A NEW BEGINNING will describe how that healing took place.
It was a devastating feeling for me to achieve what I really felt was missing in my life and yet feel so empty. This came after I very excitedly had written in my diary that I felt like I had arrived at self-discipline. I finally felt in control of my life and body. I had lost the 10 pounds that would make me "perfect". I was much better at gymnastics. It was such a brief moment of seeming victory.
What happened next was the complete opposite. When I went off my strict diet even one little bit, I felt so bad. I would reach for the club of condemnation and hit myself with it. I felt so bad that I would eat more. As I ate more, I felt even worse and tried harder to fill my emptiness. All the while I would tell myself, it was okay, I would start tomorrow by being perfect in my eating again. The yo-yo went back and forth. Eat perfectly, be confronted with food that I wanted to eat, but felt like I shouldn't, eat a little bit of it, feel so bad, then eat more. Binge eating.
Somehow during these few month before summer break, I was able to keep up the weight loss.
Then came the most lonely time of my life. I had been so busy with people and activities in my senior year that I was burned out a little. So in my freshmen dorm life I did not make connections at the beginning of the year along with everyone else. I had a friend from home that was at school with me, her roommate and my own roommate (who was very busy with her boyfriend.) That was enough for me at the beginning, but when I hit this lonely time I did not share it with the few people who were real friends, and I was not connected with all the girls in my dorm. So it was lonely because I did not put the time in to make deep friendships, and I did not share what I was going through with anyone. I just felt bad inside.
I went back home for the summer to work and hopefully work out in gymnastics. Well my chances to work out were rare, my high school friends either were busy with boyfriends or had moved away. I took a job at a pie shop called Marie Callenders. Up till this point in my life, I did not even like pie. I hated it! Well on the last day of my freshman year as I passed through the food line at the dorm, all of a sudden pie looked good to me. So now here I was with a disordered eating problem, lonely, and working all day long by pies and other good looking food. Not a good combinaation. My binge eating was in full swing as I would have one taste of pie, which turned into one piece which turned into eating the whole pie! My poor body. I of course felt so bad about this I would try to make up for it by not eating or fasting. One time after eating an enormous amount of food, I ran 5 miles on a severely full stomach. That summer I regained the 10 pounds that I had lost and gained 10 more.
I still had some hope when I returned to college. I somehow felt that eating in the dorm cafeteria was the answer to my problems. I could eat my 1000 calorie diet and start working out again. Well to go back working out 20 pounds heavier brought me to my all time discouragement. I was so discouraged and felt that something was really wrong with me. I felt that I was the worst person in the world. I had no self-discipline. I could not control my eating. I was like an addicted person on drugs or alcohol. It was no different. After eating a huge amount of food, I would swear to myself that in the morning I would start again and eat perfectly. Of course I never ate "perfectly" again.
This culminated in depression. I became hopeless that I could ever change my life. I knew that it was not in my power. This led to thoughts of taking my life, because what I was experiencing was not a life worth living. I did not have ideas of how to take my life, but in my desperation I cried out to God for help. I remember exactly where I was when I prayed that prayer. I was up in the 10th floor stairwell at the top of Whitney Hall at Chico State University. I don't remember why I did this, but when I came down I found my roommate and another girl in the dorm together. For some reason, I decided to share with them what was going on with me. For the very first time I shared what I thought was my inner ugliness. They were both skinny by my standards, so somehow I did not expect them to understand. In fact, I think that I expected them to confirm what I felt. Instead they listened with compassion and my skinny roommate who could eat anything and not gain weight even if she wanted, said to me," We are going to find help." She didn't say, I will find you help, I understood her to say that together we were going to find help. I was no longer alone. This was the very first baby step in my eventual healing. My next post A NEW BEGINNING will describe how that healing took place.
Monday, January 12, 2009
My Story, The Beginning
MY STORY!
I was a healthy, active child. Up until about 11 years old I never thought about being fat. It never entered my mind. I just played and ate and was happily oblivious. Then one day, as I was grabbing a piece of bread for a snack, my Dad came by and said, "If you eat that you might get fat!" Being a sensitive, self-conscious child, 2 things happened to me with this comment. "Sneak eating" became established and I began to think that I was a possible fat person.
I was a healthy, active child. Up until about 11 years old I never thought about being fat. It never entered my mind. I just played and ate and was happily oblivious. Then one day, as I was grabbing a piece of bread for a snack, my Dad came by and said, "If you eat that you might get fat!" Being a sensitive, self-conscious child, 2 things happened to me with this comment. "Sneak eating" became established and I began to think that I was a possible fat person.
At this point my weight was not affected. I was still a very active healthy child.
At age 12 until age 18 one of the jobs that was assigned to me was the dinner dishes. Our family ate fast and then they left the table to go watch TV. I was left to do the dishes by myself. My companions were the dishes and the left overs. I think I stayed at the table a little longer than I needed because I was not anxious to get up and start the dishes. In my boredom I developed the habit to eat more than I needed.
I have one brother 2 years older than me with a dominant personality. We fought a lot and I felt that he hated me. It also just happened that the boys in the neighborhood were my age but his friends. So I just assumed that they hated me too. Therefore I developed a attitude about myself that said, "I am not attractive to men."
Then around age 16 my Dad said one day, "If you would just lose 10 pounds you would be perfect!" Now I was painfully aware of my imperfection and was confirmed that something was wrong with me.
Life still continued looking unaffected on the outside. Through high school I was involved in dance, gymnastics, water ballet, cheerleading, and various other activities. Looking back I realize that I was so active that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight. My life was so busy, so I didn't have a lot of time to eat.
Underneath though I had a cancer that was beginning to eat away at me. I didn't feel great about myself. I felt unattractive, and I felt that if I could just lose those 10 pounds I would finally be perfect. I thought that the weight was why I didn't feel attractive.
In the summer before my senior year, I went to a gymnastics camp. Gymnastics was the love of my life. It was also a world of tiny girls. I was 5 foot 9 inches. I believe that through the size difference I became even more self-conscious. On the way home from camp a friend introduced me to the Atkins Diet. I had never been on a diet before. I was excited about this though because I felt I had my answer. I was excited because I didn't feel that I needed self discipline because I could eat as much protein as I wanted. It seemed so easy. I followed it for a few weeks and lost a few pounds. I got sick of it quickly and went back to my old way of eating and gained the weight back plus a little bit more. It was my first yo yo!
Life continued with an extremely busy senior year. The next year I decided to go to a college and pursue being a physical education major.
When I got to college I tried out for and made the gymnastics team. We worked out 3 hours a day 5 days a week. Despite this I gained the freshman 10 pounds by Christmas. When I got home I was discussing this with a friend who advised, " you are good at gymnastics and could be really good if you would just lose weight." With that comment there rose within me a determination to finally do just that.
This time I read an article about a 1000 calorie diet. I was not very well educated about diets and it looked good to me. So I set out on this perfectionist journey of eating. I also added to my 5 days a week gymnastic workout by running 3 miles per day. The weight started to drop, I was improving my gymnastics and started to believe that I had arrived at almost perfection. I actually lost the 10 pounds that I thought that I should lose to be perfect by about March.
I didn't understand at the time, but I realize now that I was starving my body and it was going into starvation mode. My mind was like someone deprived of food at a prison of war camp. All I could think of was food. I went to bed dreaming about the small meal I would have the next morning. I left breakfast thinking about lunch. I had a hard time concentrating on school. The most significant thing that happened to me during this time is I realized that I lost the weight but that I didn't feel any different about myself. Worse still, I didn't feel that people (more importantly men) perceived me any differently than before. I can remember where I was when I realized this. A sadness and hopelessness settled into me. Even though I had good friends during this time, I did not share any of this with anyone.
My story is continued in the next post labeled REACHING THE BOTTOM.
My story is continued in the next post labeled REACHING THE BOTTOM.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Goodbye to diets forever! Hello FREEDOM!
My reason for starting this blog is to encourage anyone who is sick of, frustrated by, and tired of dieting and diets. This is targeted at those who want to be truly free. Free to live without having having to think about diets. Free to wake up in the morning and plan their day without thinking of their eating plan. Free to eat all foods (real food, not diet food) and really enjoy them without guilt, shame, & condemnation. Free to be have the body that God designed without excess weight.
Jesus says in the Bible- "I have come that they might have life and have it to the full." John 10:10 It also says, "if the Son sets you free you shall be free indeed." John 8:32
I have experienced and am excited about these truths but it has not always been that way. There was a time when I was in complete slavery to food. If you would like to know how I became enslaved and how I got free then read the post called - MY STORY.
Jesus says in the Bible- "I have come that they might have life and have it to the full." John 10:10 It also says, "if the Son sets you free you shall be free indeed." John 8:32
I have experienced and am excited about these truths but it has not always been that way. There was a time when I was in complete slavery to food. If you would like to know how I became enslaved and how I got free then read the post called - MY STORY.
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