Changed From the Inside Out

Continued from post- A New Beginning (To get the whole story you must start from the first post labeled Goodbye to Diet's forever!)

As I poured out my heart to my mentor that evening, she just listened. At the end of my outpouring, she said one small quiet sentence. "You need God." At that moment something burst in my heart and I knew that what she said was completely true. I was so sure of it, that I remember saying, "I will do anything, go anywhere and read whatever I need to to understand more about God and his place in my life."

Previous to this moment I had some understanding about God. I had been brought up going to Sunday School. (I couldn't play outside on Sundays unless I went. My parents dropped us off but did not go themselves at that time.) As a 7 year old I remember very clearly hearing that I was a sinner and needed to be saved from my sins in order to go to heaven. I had no problem believing that I was a sinner. I was clearly aware of my imperfections and sins. My Sunday school teacher said that Jesus died on the cross for me, taking the punishment that I deserved so that I could have a relationship with Him and go to heaven. She said that all I needed to do was to receive that gift of salvation by asking Jesus to come into my heart. I clearly understood this and made the decision to ask Jesus to come into my heart.

I continued to go to church as a child all the way through High School. I went to summer church camps. I loved hearing about God. All this gave me a lot of peace except one little thing. Somehow I got the idea that if I were a Christ Follower (Christian) I would be perfect. Well, I certainly knew that I was not perfect!. So every time I heard a message about the need to receive Christ as my Savior, I felt this need to ask Him to come into my heart again. I guess I felt that since I was not perfect, I wasn't sincere enough when I asked Jesus to come into my heart the first time. I also struggled with hearing that I should read my Bible and pray. Well I tried to do that but I didn't understand the Bible and I fell asleep during my prayers!

Looking back I realized that I felt alone in my faith. Neither my family or friends hardly ever wanted to talk about these things. I did not have someone to encourage me. Though I went to church, I went alone and did not know anyone. I walked in and out all by myself.

By the time I got to college I still believed and held onto the fact that God was in my life. As I struggled through the eating disorder I prayed and cried out to God for help. The help that I thought he would give me was to make me perfect. I thought that I would wake up and have complete control over my eating. This did not happen so I got a little confused.

It just so happened that the OA group that I was attending was headed up by some Christian girls. I knew that I was a Christian too, but I sensed something different about these girls. One of the girls named Danna was my OA mentor. I knew that she struggled with an eating disorder too, but still I knew that she had something that I didn't have.

This brings me to the moment when my mentor Danna said to me, "You Need God." When I told her that I would do anything, go anywhere and read anything to understand more about God, she told me about a christian retreat that she was going to that weekend. It was held at a place called Mt. Hermon. I knew that I had to go.

The speaker that weekend was a man named Josh McDowell. He was not only a very compelling speaker but he talked about the very things that I needed to hear.
Here are a few of the basic things I came to understand that weekend:

1.God's Word the Bible is truer than our feelings. If God said that we are saved when we ask him to come into our lives, then it is true on the basis of His Word because He never lies. I did not need to keep asking Him over and over again. (1 John 5:11 say, "This is the testimony, God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life and he who does not have the Son does not have life.)

2. Most importantly, when we ask Jesus to come into our lives, this starts a relationship with Him. He does not demand perfection from me, in fact He accepts me just the way I am. (The Bible says in Romans 5:8 that "God demonstrates His love towards us that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.") He didn't wait until I got my life all together before He reached out in love toward me. But, He does love me too much to leave me the way I am. As I give Him permission, He changes me.

3. I learned we should read the Bible, not because it will make us better in God's sight, but because it is His Love Letter to us. He wants to have a relationship with us. He speaks to us through His Word. (Psalm 119:105 says, "Your Word is a lamp to my feet a light to my path.")

4. We should go to church, not because it is the right thing to do, but because God has created us to need fellowship with one another. We need to walk with other people. God has given gifts to each of us that will encourage each other to grow in our relationship with Him.

5. God has given us rules and guidelines to live by. These are for our good. Like a loving parent God wants only good for our lives. When He gives a commandment it is not to make our life miserable but to set us free to be all that we can be.

Thinking back to this time now 34 years ago, I can still feel how exuberant I felt upon learning all this information. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a God-shaped vacuum in my heart that I had been trying to fill up with food. No matter how much I ate I could not fill the empty places. Even when I thought I was in control and eating perfectly, my life was empty. Only God could fill that hole. I had asked Jesus to come into my life as a little girl, but now I was asking Him to take the steering wheel of my life. I gave Him control to do as He liked with me. I embarked on a lifelong journey with God.

I could not wait to go to church. I threw myself into hearing God's Word whenever I could. I read my Bible with new eyes. I joined other college kids at Campus Crusade for Christ. I met with a discussion group. I listened to tapes. I talked about what I was learning all the time to whomever would let me talk about it. I am sure that I was a little bit obnoxious!

I came to a very important defining moment during these months regarding my relationship to God and relationship to food. It is so important that I will give it a blog all to itself.
The next post is labeled A DEFINING MOMENT.