Perspective & anatomy of the eating disorder

Perspective & Anatomy of an Eating Disorder

continued from post- Never Say Diet!

Looking back, I am not surprised that I had an eating disorder. I helped create it by my actions, my lack of knowledge and the lies I believed. I also know now that we have an enemy of our souls- Satan. If he can't keep us from becoming a Christian, then the next thing he will attempt to do is to keep us from living a victorious Christian life. The path I had been headed was not only NOT victorious, I actually wanted to take my life at one point. Total praise goes to God for how he uses the hard things in our life to bring us to himself and deepen our relationship with him.

So let's look back:
On the outside I looked great and really had a fun childhood full of good things. I was healthy, happy, had 2 parents together, got good grades, & had several close friends. I had a relationship with God even though all I knew about it was that He saved me and I was going to heaven. When I graduated from high school I was voted Best All Around for my senior class. I was successful in school, sports, cheerleading, & friends. I had a happy life and it surprised me when I worked myself into an eating disorder but underneath the surface the dam broke.
The first ingredient was that I was a super-sensitive child. Therefore when my Dad made statements like "you shouldn't eat that or you will get fat," or "if you just lose 10 pounds you would be perfect," I chose to begin to sneak eat and chose to believe that I wasn't really loved by my Dad. Another less sensitive child might have heard those same statements and not even remembered them let alone respond to them. Based on those statements and others like them I chose to believe that my Dad did not accept me or really love me. It took me years to realize that he really did love me, just not perfectly like I wanted him to. I realized much later that even though we love our children dearly we can not meet all of their needs perfectly, only God can.

Being sensitive I was also self-conscious and hard on myself. I didn't feel particularly great about myself. I tried to make up for this by excelling in sports, especially gymnastics. I had decided in my freshman year that by the time I graduated that I would be the best high school gymnast at my level in our 7 high school area. I wasn't thinking that I would be the best I could be, but that I would be above everyone else- best all around. I did achieve this. I believe that this was a way that I was trying to feel okay about myself. It was something that I could control. I began to define myself by my physical abilities and my love for gymnastics. (Gymnastics is a tiny girls sport- I was 5'9")

Add to this that I did not feel that I was attractive. I felt that there was something wrong with me. I surely did not have many guys breaking down my door trying to date me. I thank God for that now! I saw it as rejection then, but now I see it as God's protection.

I also had a lack of knowledge of food and nutrition. I ate the typical American Diet which was full of fats and comfort foods. I did not gain weight in high school because I was so busy and extremely active. This all caught up to me in college. My life style slowed down somewhat. Our fun revolved around food. I gained weight. Then I set out to diet without knowledge of proper nutrition.

When I went on that the 1000 calorie diet, worked out 3 hours a day in gymnastics, and ran 3 miles a day, I put my body into starvation mode. My metabolism slowed way down to protect itself. My thoughts began to revolve completely around food as if I were a starving person in a prison camp. I started to obsess about food. I faulted myself about this. I believed I was obsessed because I wasn't disciplined enough. I started to beat myself up with this fact, so not only was I starving but I was telling myself how bad I was for feeling that way. Here is where things came together in a destructive way. I was self-conscious, sensitive, had a lack of knowledge of my body and nutrition, believed lies about myself, and then finally I starved myself to the point where my body was shutting down.

I know now that Satan can not read your thoughts as God can but he can see who you are, your personality, your background, how you respond to things, and your circumstances. He uses these things in our lives to tempt us to believe lies. If he is successful, then we are defeated. I became progressively more defeated to the point of feeling lost and without hope.
The lies that Satan wanted me to believe were:
1. I was not truly loved.
2.The only way I could get attention and be someone is through my physical abilities.
3. If I could just lose the 10 p0unds then I would be perfect.
4. Something was wrong with me.
5. I was unattractive.
6. If I was successful in limiting my food, that meant that I was okay.
7. If people knew what was really going on (the binge eating) then they would think I was crazy and would not want anything to do with me.

This last lie was the greatest of all. This kept me from sharing what was going on with me to anyone. I became more and more lonely. I know now that if Satan can get you alone he has more power over you. There is no one to dispel the lies! It is just like animals in nature. The predator tries to isolate an animal out of the herd so that he can overcome it. I was completely overcome until I finally shared my obsession with someone. Bringing this to the light was such a hard thing to do but it was truly the beginning of my healing. I am thankful for Terri and Jan (the people I first chose to share it with) who were so accepting of me.

I have come to learn that God answers all of our prayers. We do not need to pray in a hopeless way. He just may answer our prayers differently than we expect. I thought He would make me perfect, instead He set me free from my self-imposed perfection. God also always answers prayers in a way that is the very best for us. God answered my prayer when I cried out to Him in my desperation. He led me to other believers that could fill in the gaps of my knowledge of Him. He led me to hear truths that have set me free. As I continue to learn even now 30 years later, God is showing me more truths especially in the area of how certain foods affect our body. This will be continued in the next blog- My inside freedom shows up on the outside!