My Freedom Inside Shows up on the Outside!

My Freedom Inside, Shows up on the Outside!

continued from the Post called "Perspective and Anatomy of an Eating Disorder"

My story continues after God freed me from disordered eating. I met my husband after I had figured all these things out. God had totally changed me from the inside out. I became very content with life and where it was headed. I was happy and excited about my relationship with God. I came to know and believe that where ever he led me, it was good. When my relationship with my future husband became serious, I wanted to make sure he knew everything about me. I shared every detail with him. He loved & accepted me with my flaws. His acceptance of me was a mirror of God's acceptance. After we were married I went through 5 pregnancy's with the weight gain that comes with the territory. No matter how much I gained, I seemed to grow more beautiful in my husbands eyes. When I lost the weight, I grew more beautiful. If I got frustrated with my body, he did not. He never one time said to me, "do you really think that you should be eating that since you are frustrated with your weight?" Given my history, I think that if he monitored me in any way, or criticized me, I would have gone back to underground eating. God knew who I needed close to me in order to continue my journey to wholeness.

Throughout the next 25 years I continued with my conviction of NO DIETS! (If I even thought diet, then I wanted to eat everything, plus the kitchen sink!) However I was not completely satisfied with how I looked. I was still influenced somewhat by the skinny gymnast body in my mind. That was hard to compete with, & it left me unsatisfied with myself. My one regret of those years is that I spent any time being unsatisfied with myself. Even though God, my husband, my kids, and my friends accepted me, I still did not accept myself. I remember thinking that I did not want to look back at my life living in regrets, or wasting time being frustrated about my body.

If I knew then what I know now about food, my journey would have been shortened. I did not know that the actual type of food that I was eating was influencing my body so much more than I thought. My answer was not about how much I ate. I will write about this information that I learned in my next post labeled "You are what you eat!"

I continued with my conviction of no diets, eat healthy, & enjoy exercise. This kept me from becoming obese but I did gain weight with each pregnancy and kept some of it on.
I don't remember how or why, but about 7 years ago, I finally made peace with my body. I was then about 30 pounds over what I wanted to be, yet I finally accepted myself. The weird thing about this is that when I finally accepted myself totally I was finally free to release the weight that I had gained. I did not pursue losing weight, but God has led me on a journey that I did not expect.

This started with my niece and her husband deciding that they would fast from desserts until they got married. My kids asked them one day if this was hard. I expected them to say, "Yes, it is hard but it was a good thing." Instead they looked at each other with a puzzled look on their face and both admitted that except for the first few days, it was not hard at all and they did not miss it. Something happened inside of me at that moment. I had been aware of the fact that I had been eating things that I did not really need or even want. I ate everything in front of me and never said no. Remember that part of my strategy for not going back into disordered eating was to never say DIET! So consequently I said yes to everything. I decided then and there that I was going to experiment by going without desserts totally for a month. I did not say anything to anyone about this. It was between myself and God. Each time an opportunity came up (which was daily!), I just told myself that it wasn't that big of a deal to skip the dessert and that the next day I would be glad that I didn't have it. I told myself that I could have it if I really wanted it, but that I could also say no. I did this for about 3 months before I said anything about it. I ate everything that I wanted without the desserts and my body automatically lost weight. I actually had given up weighing myself but I knew I lost weight because my clothes were loose.

The cool thing about this experience for me was that I had come to the place that I could say no to myself and not feel deprived. I didn't pull up my bootstraps and make myself do it. I didn't do it because I felt bad about myself. I did it out of the fullness of my life. I guess you could say I felt full inside. This was God's work in me. The change that had happened on the inside for so long, was finally coming out to the outside.

The next thing that happened in my journey was that a friend of mine complimented me on how I looked, so I decided to tell her about giving up desserts and what that had done for me. She listened to my story and then suggested that I would like a book called 'Thin Within' by Judy Halliday. I bought it and read it with excitement. The book is a grace -oriented approach to lasting weight loss. The book practically told my whole story. God had already slowly but surely taught me what was in that book. Thin Within also challenged me in some new ways that totally changed the way I ate. If you are reading this and are frustrated with your ability to release excess weight and get back to your God given size, you have to buy the book. I have read it 4 times now. It challenges me every time. As I read 'Thin Within' and applied the principles my body began to let go of some more weight. I wasn't reading the book because I wanted to lose weight. I was reading it because I knew that I still ate out of emotion instead of taking my problems to God. I really wanted to deal with that issue. In this process of learning I lost another size.

At the same time I also started working out at Curves. I had taken aerobic classes, ran, walked, played sports, and worked out in a gym off and on most of my life. The only thing that I had not done was any weight bearing exercises. I started at Curves because I was ready for something new and the concept of a 30 minute workout seemed appealing. I really became motivated when my mom at 65 went through a bout with cancer. She almost died as she went through radiation and chemo. Before her treatments she was robust, healthy and active. We water skied and snow skied together each year. As soon as she started treatments, she could not eat anything for months. She was fed through a tube. Several months after she stopped the treatments she started at Curves. 3 months later we water skied and she popped out of the water faster than she had ever done before in her life. It was because of the workouts at Curves. That same ski trip, I couldn't get out of the water for the very first time because of added weight, and soreness in my knee and shoulder. I decided that when I could I would start Curves too. I had the chance several months later. Within 2 months of starting Curves I had lost another size.

So between making some lifestyle changes in my eating and working out just 3 times a week for a half an hour, I lost 2 sizes. I had already come to the place where I had accepted myself at the larger size, but was excited to let go of the extra weight so easily.

After one year at Curves I was talking to my mom about whether I should continue or not. Her comment was," you need to take care of your health." Somehow her comment helped shape my commitment from that point on to concentrate on my health and not worry about the weight. It made it easier to continue working out. I have worked out at Curves for 5 years now and it has continued to help me. My knee and shoulder problems are greatly improved, & I eventually lost yet another size to my total shock. When I do the things I love like water/snow skiing, I can do it with energy and strength. (I know that Curves is not the answer for everyone, but for me it is a perfect combination of a short work out, I can talk to other women while working out, it is in every town that I live in or visit, and it also gives a whole body workout every time.)
My story is about experiencing the joy of becoming free from the inside out. I am writing about physical changes in this post, but what really changed in my life is a growing relationship with the Almighty, Everlasting, Loving God. It is He who patiently taught me, and led me and continues to lead me on this journey. He had been working in my heart already when I heard from my niece and her husband that going without desserts was not hard at all. (A year before this, I could not have done it and would not recommend it if you love desserts.) It was God had showed me my need to make a change in my inside attitudes about food when he provided the book 'Thin Within". He also showed me what Curves could do for me before I ever committed to it. The point is that as I journey with God and take the next step, He meets me there to teach me, heal me and show me the way. He is very, very patient!

It is very significant how much joy I experienced as I let go of this excess weight. If you have read my posts from the beginning of my story you will remember that there was a time in college when I lost the 10 pounds from my high school weight that I thought would make me perfect. Yet when I did, I was not happy at all. Something was missing in that victory. It actually led to more turmoil inside. Now as I released the excess weight the cool thing was that I was so very content and full inside. Only God could do that, I could not do it in my own effort. Believe it or not I was happy at a weight that was 15 pounds above my high school weight. The victory is not in what my body weighted. Rather it was in the joy & freedom I felt inside. In the Bible in the book of John chapter 8 verse 32 it says, "So if the Son sets you free you shall be free indeed."
My journey continues to this day. I have learned even more about why our bodies react the way they do to the food we eat. I have learned some things that I feel can possibly shorten your journey to achieving your God given body size. My next post is labeled "You are what you eat!"